Think your dog sits at the window with your shoe in his mouth anxiously awaiting your return while you’re out? Think again. Early studies done with spy-cams often showed dogs engaged in a single activity for most of the time that their owners were away. New studies, that include cameras in all rooms of the house, have come up with some disturbing, in-your-face evidence about the truth of dogs left alone. The reason that it has taken us so long to figure out the rest of the puzzle is simple. We are in denial. We know that our dogs are mad and confused when we leave the pack, but we don’t want to think that our trusted friends are going to such lengths to get their payback. You may want to have a seat while you read about what your beloved companion has really been doing all this time.
1. The Processed Cheese Single Lick-Off: Believe it or not, but as soon as you leave, your dog is going to your refrigerator, opening the meat and cheese drawer, resisting all the deli meat, meticulously unwrapping each individually wrapped American cheese slice, and giving each one a big, slimy dog lick. Then, just as meticulously, they are folding back the plastic wrappers and placing them back in the drawer. Why they’re doing it, we haven’t figured out just yet, but be assured, none of your cheese slices are sacred.
2. Butt Skidding on the Carpet. Don’t be so naive to think that your dog only does this in front of you to make you insane. Pretty much as soon as you leave the house and they’re done with the cheese slices, they’re doing a whole bunch of this.
3. Talking. Just as we always imagined, our dogs are having highly intellectual discussions, either with themselves, or with your other pets. Some of their favorite topics include, “The Nature of Quality,” “The Limerick Versus the Sonnet,” “Why Einstein is Wrong about the Theory of Relativity,” and “Ethical Dilemmas: Consequences of Revealing Speaking Abilities to Your Owner/Master.” If you thought about leaving a tape recorder on while you’re gone, then you’re out of luck, because your dog is also telepathic.
4. Napping. Ok, this one isn’t so surprising, but isn’t that what you would do after you just used your jaws and nothing else to open a 24-pack of American cheese slices, rubbed your butt along the carpet for four hours and had a two-hour debate with a parrot?
5. Eating Socks. Many dogs have already been caught in the act on this one. What we didn’t realize before is that they are actually stealing them from out of the dryer. This is sure to be a big blow to fans of the notorious, naughty house-elf theory.
Centers have been set up across the country to help owners deal with these shocking truths. Many believe that the classic image of the loyal, best friend has been seriously shaken and will take years to repair. Others, like brokenhearted lovers, have admitted that they had their suspicions all along.